When a pregnancy ends in loss, the immediate and necessary outpouring of care is usually directed toward the person who carried the baby. They have endured the physical trauma, the hormonal shift, and the direct bodily connection.
However, in the shadow of that care, the partner often stands in a lonely silence. Whether they are a father, a secondary mother, or a non-birthing partner, their grief is often "disenfranchised" - meaning it isn't always openly acknowledged or validated by society.
If you are a partner navigating this, or if you are trying to support one, this guide is for you.
The "Rock" Myth: The Pressure to be Strong
In Australia, there is still a lingering cultural expectation for partners (particularly men) to be "the rock." The narrative is often: “Your job is to hold it together so they can grieve.”
The problem with being a "rock" is that rocks don’t heal; they just weather. By suppressing your own emotions to "stay strong," you may inadvertently:
- Delay your own healing: Leading to "grief spikes" months or even years later.
- Create a disconnect: Your partner may feel alone in their grief if they don't see you reflecting any of your own.
- Physicalise the stress: Suppressed grief often shows up as irritability, insomnia, or physical aches.
Understanding Different Grieving Styles
Psychologists often categorise grieving into two main styles. Neither is "better," but partners often fall into different camps, which can cause friction.
| Grieving Style | Common Behaviours | Why it’s helpful |
|---|---|---|
| Intuitive Grieving | Expressing feelings openly, crying, seeking talking therapy. | Processes the emotional weight of the loss directly. |
| Instrumental Grieving | Focusing on tasks, "fixing" things, returning to work, physical activity. | Provides a sense of control and "doing" in the face of helplessness. |
The Insight: If you are "doing" and your partner is "feeling," you aren't grieving differently—you are both just using the tools you have.
How to Support a Partner (for Friends & Family)
If you are a friend of the couple, remember that the partner has lost a future, too. They have lost the child they imagined playing with, the "dad" or "mum" identity they were preparing for, and the joy of seeing their person become a parent.
- Ask them directly: Instead of asking "How is [Name] doing?", ask "How are YOU doing today?"
- Acknowledge their parenthood: Use phrases like, "I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby." Validating that they are a parent is incredibly healing.
- Offer "Side-by-Side" Support: For many partners, talking face-to-face is intimidating. Offer to go for a surf, a walk, or a drive. Often, the best conversations happen when you aren't looking directly at each other.
Practical Steps for the Silent Mourner
If you are the one carrying this silent weight, here are three ways to begin honouring your own experience:
1. Give Your Grief a Physical Outlet
If talking feels too "heavy" or "pointless," find a physical way to move the energy. This could be a rigorous gym session, a long hike, or even a DIY project dedicated to the baby’s memory. In Australia, many partners find solace in "Men's Sheds" or local community sports where they can be "alongside" others without the pressure to perform "perfect" grief.
2. Name the Loss
Don't refer to it as "the situation" or "what happened." Using the word "baby" or the name you chose acknowledges the reality. It moves the event from a medical complication to a family bereavement.
3. Utilise Journaling (The "Inside-Out" Method)
Journaling isn't just for "deep feelings." For partners, it can be a tool for clarity. If you feel angry or frustrated and don't know why, putting a pen to paper can help you trace that anger back to its source: grief.
Alongside Journaling Prompts: For the Partner
- What was the moment this pregnancy first felt "real" to you?
- What is one thing you were looking forward to doing with your baby?
- What is the hardest part about "being the strong one" right now?
- If you could say one thing to your baby today, what would it be?
Resources for Partners (in Australia)
- SMS4dads: Provides free text support for dads navigating the ups and downs of fatherhood, including loss.
- Red Nose Grief and Loss: Offers a 24/7 support line (1300 308 307) specifically for anyone affected by the death of a baby.
- The Pink Elephants Support Network: Provides wonderful "Partner Support" resources and peer-to-peer connection.